To: Anyone Going Through It
Defining resiliensh
One of my friends is going through™ health stuff right now and she shared a little bit of her situation online and I’m not going to elaborate further because it’s her sitch not mine but her words reminded me of phrases I’d written and spoken in years past about stuff I’d gone through myself in that they spelled out not just a description of what she was struggling with but an apology for it as well.
I’m not as “resilient” as I used to be, was one of the things my friend wrote, and that stuck with me.
“For what it’s worth,” I typed back (because if there’s one thing I’m going to do it’s respond to your Instagram story) “I consider you very resilient.” I added the hand heart emoji for love and the lab coat emoji for relevance and wrote that I was confident in her too, because that’s true.
“I needed to hear that,” she responded later (also with emojis) and maybe she meant it or maybe she didn’t or maybe I needed to hear that too.
I hadn’t always though — heard that — and the doubts and judgements and insults and curse words thrown at my ears during hard times™ instead are things I still grapple with today and will probably continue to grapple with for….. a while. But my own experiences and the various ways people have responded to me during them serve as reference points to look back on, data points to improve on, and insights into what I consider helpful and hurtful ways to treat people when they’re already hurting themselves.
With that in mind, I wanted to write this newsletter to those of you who are going through™ stuff right now. Maybe that’s mental health stuff or physical health stuff or addiction stuff or haven’t-been-eating stuff or secret stuff that you don’t want me to know.
I don’t have to know, really, so long as you know two things. That I consider you resilient for going through it — and that I am (so) confident that you can get through.
One: I consider you resilient for going through it
If you’ve read any of my newsletters you know I love a little definition detour and I looked up the definition of resilience this morning because I realized it would kind of suck if I got this one wrong. (I was also on a let’s-learn-new-vocabulary mission because several of my friends have been describing the weather as “balmy” which apparently means pleasant despite sounding like a type of vaseline, but that’s less relevant. )
Anyway, there are a couple different definitions of resilience, with many sites suggesting words like “elasticity” and “buoyancy” as having similar meanings. The description that stood out to me was from the American Psychological Association’s dictionary of psychology, and that one defined resilience as “the process and outcome of successfully adapting to difficult or challenging life experiences, especially through mental, emotional, and behavioral flexibility and adjustment to external and internal demands.”
I like this one because it mentions the process along with the outcome. It doesn’t overlook the hard work you’re doing now. It implies that you don’t have to be finished or healed to be seen as resilient. You’re resilient already.
Two: I am (so) confident that you can get through
I don’t know your situation and as I mentioned above you don’t have to tell me but I do feel confident that you can make it through. I don’t mean to suggest that every struggle is beatable — there are things we can control and others that we, can’t — and I don’t mean to suggest that I’m right all the time either. Because yeah, sure, maybe you won’t get through it. But I think you will.
Once I called a friend crying because I felt broken and beat up and scared of slipping into a pattern I couldn’t break free from and they interrupted to say, “Claire, I’m not worried about you,” actually, because I’d done this before, they reminded me. I’d fallen and stood up, slipped and bandaged myself back together — multiple times.
Years ago now, that phone call was the first time someone had pointed to my history as as an indicator that I was stronger than it. Had voiced confidence that I, once again, would make it through.
Stuff like that sticks with you — it carries you a little, too. Or, it has for me. So, thank you.
Well, I don’t know if those of you reading this are going through stuff or not. Maybe you’re all doing great. In which case, that’s amazing?! and also…. maybe you have the bandwidth to support someone who isn’t doing so hot? And if you’re going through it, you already know what I want to tell you! Love you all regardless, xoxo.
And before you go, here’s a watercolor and pen sketch I drew of a hospital chair which felt relevant enough without being controversial :)
The newsletter I didn't know I needed this week