You know what I’ll be honest I wanted to be all profound and self-help-book-ish and things-really-do-get-better-esq today but turns out I can’t say those things authentically because I’m still so sad.
I’m sad because I lost my dog last weekend and even though I thought for sure I’d cried out all the tears my body had to offer on Sunday and Monday and Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday and Friday, I finally admitted to myself that wasn’t true. There are always more tears, one of my friends told me via text, and I know she’s right because one, I need a tissue, and two, our eyes are constantly making tears in some way or another, according to various eye doc websites I found on Google.
Still, I’m not used to being this sad and that surprises me because I consider myself someone who’s been sad and I’ve got a pair of non-slip stocks to prove it. I’ve had the depression diagnosis and the prescription medications and the life-is-hopeless outlook and that feeling when everything in the world is moving except for you. But I haven’t been curled up in a blanket during the workday, pressing my head into a pillow when I want to press it into that velvety corner of his fur.
There’s a reason for that, my therapist informed me over the phone, and it’s because what you’re (I’m) experiencing isn’t depression — it’s grief.
Which is how I learned that grief and depression aren’t the same thing, actually, so, oops, sorry, my bad, probably should’ve known that, but according to researchers, I’m not the only idiot because “it can be challenging for many practitioners to tell the difference between acute grief and depression,” too.
What sets them apart? Well, the science guys say that “grief-stricken patients frequently report symptoms that are also typical of major depression, such as sadness, tearfulness, insomnia, and decreased appetite,” but “grief rarely produces the cognitive symptoms of depression, such as low self-esteem or feelings of worthlessness.“
That makes some sense to me because contextualized to my own experiences — and I can’t speak for yours — depression has felt like wanting to get rid of myself, while grief feels like wanting to bring someone else back.
Both feelings :) suck :) but the positive for grief is that they say time really can bring healing whereas for depression they say haha let’s increase your drugs.
So…. Subscribe to see how I’m feeling next week? Just kidding, kind of. I’m not done yet anyway, because I have to let you in on a secret which is that while I flooded my apartment Monday through Friday, I found myself smiling a little on Saturday and Sunday and even laughing in some moments too. Like for instance when I caught glimpse of a blueberry-muffin-flavored KitKat bar at my local bodega which is an objectively hilarious product and come to think of it I might go back and purchase it just to try.
Point being: what??? I’ve only just discovered the type of sadness I’m feeling. Is my mood shifting already? And if so, what does that mean?
“Joy and sadness can coexist,” according to my therapist (who I admit is getting a lot of air time today) and even though I’m not great at coexist-ing relationships — I live by myself for a reason — I’m trying to hold onto that. Respect both entities. Hope things work out for the best.
Well that’s it. Not sure how many more words I can slap “ish” at the end of but I will undoubtedly continue to try.
And before you go here are some doodles I drew of people experiencing sadness. Love you.
.
Love you. Haha let’s increase your drugs made me chuckle. 🖤