Friends Who Hug You When You Cry

almo(sh)t embarra(sh)ed

I went swimming with a friend on Tuesday and grabbed breakfast with her after and then she hugged me while I cried.

Which was kind of embarrassing! Or at least, could have been, if she hadn’t treated me so lovingly — and I’m not just talking about on Tuesday.

You see, the friend I went swimming with is someone I met on my first morning in Brooklyn — three years ago last week — whilst attending my first run with Crown Heights’ Running Club, which was the best decision of my life, probably.

I made a lot of other near-best decisions during my first week in Brooklyn, many of which involved going to running clubs or running-adjacent clubs in my neighborhood (shout out King’s County Fitness and TGIF run club, too), and many of which connected me with more friends who (gotcha!) are stuck with me for the long haul.

Thanks to the decisions I made and the people I met three years ago, I have an abundance of happiness in my life today. Which is great. But also ironic. Because “are you happy with your life?” is the question my friend asked me on Tuesday, right before I started to cry.

So am I????????????

The answer is simple and also complicated, and after thinking about it for………..basically this whole week………. I’ve decided on yes. Soooo have a good weekend! Or stick around, because I’m not done yapping.

Why was I crying if I’m happy with my life??????

Well! Turns out I’ve changed a lot in the three years I’ve been in Brooklyn — in how I look physically and in what I look for in life. The first one is something I can usually give myself a pat on the back for (unless I decide to go self-hate-mode, which, ok, yeah, also likely!), but the second one is something that I could stand to reel in.

What I’m trying to say is: I don’t think I was crying because I’m unhappy with my life, but I think I’ve been trying a little too hard to be happier than I am right now. And that’s been overwhelming. And crazy. Because I literally keep a gratitude calendar to remind me of why I don’t need to do that.

And why was I (almost kind of) embarrassed to cry????

You’re probably (not, but bear with me) wondering why I felt almost-kind-of embarrassed to cry in front of my friend, too. I think that one’s because I want people to view me as a happy person and worry that they won’t love me so much if they think I’m not.

That’s also ironic because one (1) I wrote a whole newsletter on my respect people for going through it and two (2) because, as I mentioned above, the friend that I cried to met me on my first morning in Brooklyn !!!!!!!!!!!! …….. which was back when I was experiencing more hurt than happiness and didn’t feel worthy of accepting love from anyone but received it anyway. And kept receiving it. For three years, actually.

Well, surprise! I’ve lost track of my point, but hey, if we met in 2022, you made a mark on my life that I will never (ever) wash out. Thanks for loving me when I didn’t think you could. Thanks for continuing to now. Thanks for making me so happy. Thanks for hugging me when I’m not. Thanks for incentivizing this post. Xoxo.

And before you go, here’s a sketch of my May gratitude calendar — which feels kind of relevant today. This was a trickier-than-usual calendar for me to create (perhaps due to aforementioned reasons) but also a super important calendar for me to create (perhaps also for aforementioned reasons). Don’t look too closely though. Or do. Love you.

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